This cuts deep. I’ve lived long enough to know women don’t actually want “bad men”—they want men who are steady, real, and strong enough to stay open when it’s easier to hide. What those YouTube hustlers teach isn’t love, it’s performance. A trauma bond ain’t devotion, it’s a trap.
The truth is, the “bad boy” act is easy because it’s hollow. What’s harder—and what women really crave—is consistency without control, respect without strings, and love that shows up every damn day, not just when it’s convenient. That’s not weakness. That’s the kind of strength you can build a life on.
Thank you for reading! It’s healing to hear a man not pretend that he can’t understand what women want :) I also read your article that you shared. Did mine answer your questions?
Yeah, you answered it. For me it wasn’t really about asking—it was about putting a man’s perspective out there. Too often the loudest voices are the ones teaching performance and control, but not all men think that way. Some of us know love means consistency, respect, and showing up steady. I want that perspective in the mix too.
That means a lot to hear. It can feel hopeless looking at the mess out there, but I’ve met enough men and women who are trying to do better to know we’re not doomed. We just don’t get the mic as often as the chaos does.
I share my story because I want people to see that change is possible, even after you’ve been on the wrong side of it. Steady love isn’t boring — it’s the hardest, strongest work there is. Thank you for making space for that in your writing too.
Once I’ve read that women who come from toxic families, get along with “bad boys”, because they are used to this toxic behaviour. And somehow I can truly believe it. As a person, who was obsessed with bad guys, I would say “run from this toxic environment before it’s too late”.
Thank you for bringing up this very important point. You are right. When we are raised in a toxic environment, we don't know what to do with peace. This is not a gender-specific issue. I have seen both men and women destroy their relationships because they couldn't get the familiar ups and downs. And the media does not help, because it romanticizes chaos and confusion.
But here's the thing: even when they do secure the "bad guy/girl" they crave, they are still unhappy. They assume their happiness lies in controlling and changing this person. But true happiness comes from within.
In order for that to happen, we need to heal to an extent where we become self-aware of our dysfunction. Until that self-awareness is achieved, true change is impossible. Therefore, the first step to any healthy relationship is healing yourself.
You are so right! “Healing yourself “ is the first step of building healthy relationships - first with yourself, second with the people around you, no matter if it’s for love relationship or friendship, or even on work basis
So, basically I conclude from your analysis, it is a behavioral problem in which both participate to create their own hell. Yet, myself as a feminist by my own definition, I think the culprit is the man. When the man loses morality,the rest of society will lose it.
And,when morality is lost, justice in the family and society woul be lost.
I agree with you. Men have been looking to control and dominate instead of leading. And I am going to put the responsibility for the current state of our world mostly on them . But now that a lot of us women can see the situation for what it is, I expect us to do better than simply using men for what they can provide. Because this is not fixing the problem. It's only making it worse. We all need to learn to face our own demons and stop creating an environment where toxic masculinity can still thrive. It's a lot of work but I am hopeful. By the way, if you are who I think you are, welcome back - your insights were missed!
This cuts deep. I’ve lived long enough to know women don’t actually want “bad men”—they want men who are steady, real, and strong enough to stay open when it’s easier to hide. What those YouTube hustlers teach isn’t love, it’s performance. A trauma bond ain’t devotion, it’s a trap.
The truth is, the “bad boy” act is easy because it’s hollow. What’s harder—and what women really crave—is consistency without control, respect without strings, and love that shows up every damn day, not just when it’s convenient. That’s not weakness. That’s the kind of strength you can build a life on.
https://therewrittenpath.substack.com/p/the-sherpa?r=61kohn
Thank you for reading! It’s healing to hear a man not pretend that he can’t understand what women want :) I also read your article that you shared. Did mine answer your questions?
Yeah, you answered it. For me it wasn’t really about asking—it was about putting a man’s perspective out there. Too often the loudest voices are the ones teaching performance and control, but not all men think that way. Some of us know love means consistency, respect, and showing up steady. I want that perspective in the mix too.
Absolutely! I am so glad you shared your perspective. It does start feeling like we are all doomed sometimes. Men like you give me hope.
That means a lot to hear. It can feel hopeless looking at the mess out there, but I’ve met enough men and women who are trying to do better to know we’re not doomed. We just don’t get the mic as often as the chaos does.
I share my story because I want people to see that change is possible, even after you’ve been on the wrong side of it. Steady love isn’t boring — it’s the hardest, strongest work there is. Thank you for making space for that in your writing too.
Once I’ve read that women who come from toxic families, get along with “bad boys”, because they are used to this toxic behaviour. And somehow I can truly believe it. As a person, who was obsessed with bad guys, I would say “run from this toxic environment before it’s too late”.
Thank you for bringing up this very important point. You are right. When we are raised in a toxic environment, we don't know what to do with peace. This is not a gender-specific issue. I have seen both men and women destroy their relationships because they couldn't get the familiar ups and downs. And the media does not help, because it romanticizes chaos and confusion.
But here's the thing: even when they do secure the "bad guy/girl" they crave, they are still unhappy. They assume their happiness lies in controlling and changing this person. But true happiness comes from within.
In order for that to happen, we need to heal to an extent where we become self-aware of our dysfunction. Until that self-awareness is achieved, true change is impossible. Therefore, the first step to any healthy relationship is healing yourself.
You are so right! “Healing yourself “ is the first step of building healthy relationships - first with yourself, second with the people around you, no matter if it’s for love relationship or friendship, or even on work basis
So interesting. I definitely resonate and thank you for calling out and challenging the social conditioning we grow up with 💗
Thank you Shubdheep,yes it is the same Donkey. Just a temporary account until I reclaim my Google account on this new phone.
So, basically I conclude from your analysis, it is a behavioral problem in which both participate to create their own hell. Yet, myself as a feminist by my own definition, I think the culprit is the man. When the man loses morality,the rest of society will lose it.
And,when morality is lost, justice in the family and society woul be lost.
I agree with you. Men have been looking to control and dominate instead of leading. And I am going to put the responsibility for the current state of our world mostly on them . But now that a lot of us women can see the situation for what it is, I expect us to do better than simply using men for what they can provide. Because this is not fixing the problem. It's only making it worse. We all need to learn to face our own demons and stop creating an environment where toxic masculinity can still thrive. It's a lot of work but I am hopeful. By the way, if you are who I think you are, welcome back - your insights were missed!
Ufff.... So many valid points. I feel like I should restack each and every line in this.
You put such solid points forward, with such eloquence.
https://therewrittenpath.substack.com/p/the-sherpa?r=61kohn
I’m so glad that you enjoyed it. Thank you 🙏🏼