I was raised by some of the most loving, caring, and strong people, people with big hearts. My family nurtured me, protected me, and gave me every opportunity they could so I might thrive.
They taught me confidence in my ability to make decisions. They allowed me to make my own choices about education and career, even when it went against their wishes. Nobody stopped my brother and me when we decided to adopt every stray dog and cat that we found.
At fourteen, I was reading my Papaji’s (Grandfather) books on social injustice, spirituality, and the toll of stress on health. By fifteen, I was asked to help shape our community library, choosing which books to order. By seventeen, I was trusted with significant control over important paperwork.
When the elders in my village discovered my love for reading, they gave me full access to the library, as if it were just mine. I dusted and cleaned it myself, lost in that little paradise for hours.
I learned early that I did not have to fit neatly into any box. I would dress up on most days for no reason at all. But sometimes, I dressed for comfort, often in my brother’s clothes. I was even allowed to experiment with makeup at home, playing with colors simply because I loved it.
I was taught self-sufficiency - to cook, to clean, to solve problems, to face discomfort with courage. My brother learned the same. In our home, gender roles held no meaning when it came to learning the basic skills.
I was taught that every task was sacred and deserved to be done with intention. My mother noticed every detail, teaching me how to turn the handle of a teacup so our guests could pick it up easily. She always reminded me that chores were never to be rushed or done half-heartedly. No “lolo-popo”, her word of choice for chores not done properly.
I was allowed to live, freely and fiercely. When it rained, I would run outside and dance without care. When the wind blew, I would grab my mother’s chunni (scarf) and let it fly over my head, even with all the sand getting in my eyes.
I was given opportunities to develop empathy along with my knowledge. I would study for hours, then spend hours with my brother feeding stray puppies. I was encouraged to be of service. During summer break, my mother would take us to the Gurudwara1 to clean it at 4 a.m., before the sun made it unbearable. It helped me learn dedication, discipline, and humility.
I grew up surrounded by love, so much that I took it for granted. I assumed every parent loved and invested in their children this way. I craved a larger family, imagining the joy of even more people who genuinely cared for one another. In raising me with so much kindness, my family sheltered me from the realities of our world, as much as they could.
I did not realize how special my upbringing was until I moved away. All of a sudden, everything that I was taught had little to no value. The only exception being the household chores. I was reminded every day that I am just a girl in a man’s world, expected to play a self-sacrificial role. I was told to be soft in the face of cruelty, forgiving when disrespected, flexible with those who were abusive, and to accept that I would never be accepted as I truly am.
I was told that deception is normal, even expected. That I was foolish to believe anyone’s words. “Everybody lies”.
Everybody lies? Not where I came from. My people honored their word with their lives. Deception was not only unacceptable, but something to be ashamed of. But I was in a different world now. Where I was to fulfill promises I never made, while accepting that promises made to me meant nothing. For the sake of love. For the sake of family. For the sake of “peace”.
I was told that living this way would earn me love and respect. Instead, it brought jealousy, resentment, and criticism. The more I tried to adapt while maintaining my own integrity, the worse it got. It almost felt like the goal wasn’t peace, but to break my spirit. The world seemed angry that I would not bow to its rules.
Painful as it was, I realized that the sacrifices made to raise me did not deserve for me to live a hollow life. When I tried to shake off these chains, society wielded its most treacherous weapon - guilt disguised as vulnerability. It triggered the nurturer in me, demanding I sacrifice myself to ensure the happiness of others.
I was confused. I had done everything “right”, yet my life felt chaotic. I longed for the bliss I had known as a child, a bliss so intoxicating that once felt, you can never settle for less. But it didn’t come. So I prayed for clarity, for joy, for that feeling of being alive that I once knew so well.
I asked God for flowers and He gave me rain. - Author Unknown
My prayers were answered. My life fell apart in nearly every way possible. I was overwhelmed. And then I noticed something. How many times had I used the word “allowed” in describing my childhood? I realized that my whole life, I had been seeking permission - permission to live, to breathe, to follow what my soul craves. Even with my loving upbringing, I had learned to people-please, to seek validation, to sacrifice my happiness for others.
And I am not alone in this.
From the moment a girl is born, she is trained to fit roles carved out for her before she takes her first breath. We call women “nurturers”, and we are, but the conditioning goes far deeper than being kind and patient. It quietly damages women, men, and children alike, often unnoticed until circumstances force us to see it, how I was.
How Girls Are Conditioned
Enslaved using praise: A little girl is praised for being quiet, helpful, and accommodating. Her value becomes tied to sacrifice.
Exists in relation to others: She is told she is a daughter, sister, wife, mother, not an individual. Freedom must be earned by pleasing others.
Endurance glorified: Culture glorifies suffering. A good mother sacrifices, a good wife endures and forgives, a good daughter accepts without asking a question. Pain equals love.
Obedience ensures safety: She learns that speaking up or setting boundaries creates even more problems. She faces rejection, ridicule, or punishment. Silence starts to feel safer than speaking up her truth.
This conditioning doesn’t always shout. It whispers through phrases like:
“Your future mother-in-law will ask me why I didn’t teach you to cook”
“I never let the family break, no matter how I was treated”
“You’re overreacting”
“I love your personality”
“Thank you for staying positive despite everything”
Society does not stop until it has drained her, all in the name of love. It’s no wonder 80% of autoimmune disease sufferers are women2.
Add Disney to the mix, and things get even worse. Disney presented a very misleading image of what love is, how it feels and what we must do when we love someone. We were taught:
If a boy is cruel to you, he is fighting his feelings for you.
Abuse, jealousy, deception and control are just signs of hidden pain in a man. He just needs the right girl to fix him.
Stability is dull, danger and deception are romantic and exciting.
Beauty and patience matter more than intelligence.
This narrative and conditioning has damaging consequences. Not just to women, but also to men and children.
How This Harms Women
Loss of self: Women forget who they are outside service to others.
Toxic tolerance: Excusing harm normalizes abuse.
Misplaced guilt: Healthy boundaries feel selfish.
Burnout of the soul: Endless giving drains women, leaving them sick and resentful.
This suppressed anger often manifests in shaming other women or using children as pawns.
How This Harms Men
Narcissism by design: Boys grow up expecting women to absorb pain.
Missed lessons on empathy: Empathy is not only innate, but also learned3. When the pressure to “make it work” falls solely on women, every relationship is set up for failure.
Entitlement: Boys grow up watching mothers and sisters serve, and assume women will always bend, forgive, and accommodate.
Emotional illiteracy: Boys are taught to see anger as strength and vulnerability as weakness, robbing them of the joy of loving fully.
Fragile masculinity: When dominance is equated with manhood, a man collapses the moment his power is questioned. Fragility often erupts as rage, destroying relationships.
Emotional dependency: Men are conditioned to rely on women for emotional caretaking instead of taking responsibility for their own mental and emotional health - an impossible task that destroys families.
How This Harms Children
Girls Learn Martyrdom: They watch their mothers burn themselves alive for the family, and assume this is normal.
Boys Learn Entitlement: They see fathers disengaged yet still respected, and mothers overworking yet undervalued, and assume this is natural.
Generational Trauma Normalized: Children grow up believing love means pain, control means care, silence means peace.
By conditioning women to be good girls, society also created men who feel lost. They confuse dominance for leadership and control for love. This destroys not only the relationship between men and women, but also leaves a long-lasting impact on their children’s health, happiness, and the way they form relationships in adulthood.
The making of a “good girl” is also the making of a toxic system - a system that has set our world on fire by raising men who were never truly loved and never learned how to love. It is a system that fails even those it was designed to serve - the wealthy men. Why? Because it was created by these same empty men. They haven’t connected the dots, nor do they have the capacity to. They think they need more. More money, more power, more taking, more killing. So they chase endlessly, blind to the one Truth they can neither buy nor steal. That what they have been searching for does not exist where they have been looking for it. It was always meant to be discovered within.
How does this conditioning shape our society’s beliefs about what women want? We’ll explore all of that in the next few posts.
🌶️ Coming Soon: Do Women Really Like “Bad Boys”?
Disclaimer: The thoughts shared in this article are based solely on my personal experiences and observations.
Gurudwara:
A Place of Worship for Sikhs. Every Gurudwara houses the Sikh holy book,
the Guru Granth Sahib Ji - our eternal Guru (teacher)🙏
Literal Translation: The Doorway to The Guru (teacher)
The Prevalence of Autoimmune Disorders in Women: A Narrative Review
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7292717/
Empathy as a Learned Behavior: Exploring Its Development and Impact
https://neurolaunch.com/is-empathy-a-learned-behavior
Brain storming in action. Will be watching.
I see your point well, from this reply and from your article. I think the confusion is between function and equality. The difference in functions doesn't entail weakness. It is simply men and women have different functions.Such as a woman's mind and psychology, and body can handle the idea that there is a creature inside of her. To men, to have a living creature inside of him is totaly beyond the function of his body, his psychology and his mind.
Men they have their own version of fragility. Men are fragile, for example, when find themselves unable to provide sustenance for the family, including the wife. Even if his wife is earning income. Knowing this psychology, islam allows the woman to keep all her income to herself, while the man maintains the full financial responsibility. You see, men have no problem to be described as fathers, but modern woman is resentful somehow to be described as a mother, as you mentioned above. That is due to the distortion of the functionality of women, specifically speaking, perpetuated by the modern sexual freedom. I strongly believe that this whole conflict between men and women is caused by the sexual freedom. In all societies in the world, the sexual relationship is well reserved by the social norms and morals and given its own sanctity. Only in the West, this sanctity has been obstructed.
In a society where sexual freedom is the norm, the actual loser is the woman, and that is where her fragility is loud and clear. That is why 80% of psychological and mental disorders in women. A proof of that, there is no such definition for a man getting raped. But for women we know it well. Why? Because females sexuality is her power and her ultimate fragility. It is her power for reproduction and the continuity of life, and her fragility, bcs that where she can be totaly broken.
In my opinion, a good starter for women to gain power from men, is to reject sex before marriage. That will let her know if the man is serious or just want e desire release. As a man, driven by morals, i can say with strong conviction, that men are Beasts by nature, and if not self disciplined and checked out by women, he will always behave as a beast.