“Nice guys finish last”.
Do they really?
And if they do, can it be blamed on how nice they are, or could it be something else?
To truly unpack this statement, we first need to agree on the definition of the term “nice guy” as used in this context. How nice is our “nice guy”?
My definition of a nice guy is coming to my grave with me. But my understanding of how others define a “nice guy” is as follows:
A “nice guy” is often seen as a man who uses politeness, respect, and kindness as a transactional currency, expecting these behaviors to guarantee a woman's attention and affection.
Now, let’s look at a different take. According to Power Thesaurus, the term “nice guy” is defined as1:
An inoffensive adult male who desires romantic companionship but who is too bland and uninspiring to be attractive
Ouch! I wouldn’t want to be labeled as a “nice guy” after reading that. This definition feels offensive and inaccurate from a woman’s perspective, and it highlights part of the problem. Who wouldn’t be frustrated after defined as such? I realize my short and sweet post can not really be short and sweet anymore!
Let’s examine my definition first. Why do I say that some men use their “niceness” as a transactional currency? Because they often become bitter and upset when a woman does not reciprocate their interest.
Our “nice guy” expects a woman to choose him based solely on his kindness. There is a sense of entitlement that a woman should abandon her own dreams and desires, the moment a “nice guy” shows interest.
Women are often expected to fall for the first man who acts like a decent human-being around them. The bar is set so low that it has sunk to the depths of the Earth's core.
The expectation of reciprocation can overshadow the genuine kindness that many men possess. I am not a psychologist, but this transactional behavior often hints at:
Emotional immaturity: A “my way or the highway” mentality, where they shame the very woman they claim to love and admire.
Lack of self-trust: Low confidence leads to viewing any rejection as a personal attack, resulting in a bruised ego.
Lack of self-love: This can lead to inauthenticity and performative actions, where they feel the need to pretend to be someone they are not to earn romantic attention.
A sense of superiority over women: Expects her to conform to his plans.
Lack of respect for others and their autonomy: This is self-explanatory.
Anger and bitterness: This can create an environment where the woman feels unsafe.
A sense of entitlement: “How dare a woman say no to me”? They expect a return on their investment for their efforts. But true love does not require reciprocation, and genuine emotions are not performative, so they do not require excessive investment or energy.
If I were making notes on how to lose a woman in 10 seconds, I would include all of the above in my list. Does this not make you wonder if “nice guys” are truly nice at all?
If this sounds a bit harsh, consider flipping the roles. Sometimes our conditioning is so strong that we cannot objectively view things unless we are forced to walk in someone else’s shoes.
Would these “nice guys” choose a woman based solely on her kindness towards them? Imagine a man who is not fully established in his life yet and does not want to settle down, meeting the kindest, most giving woman on the planet. Would we expect him to return her kindness with a relationship? If your answer is no, then why do we expect a different response from a woman? (And if your answer is yes, please share your thoughts in the comments section at the end of this article).
You may be thinking that this is all well and true, but it doesn't change the fact that women still tend to end up with men who treat them poorly. This is where the second definition of a "nice guy" comes in—the one that labels them as bland and uninspiring. Is there a connection? We unpack all of that in the post below:
Thanks for reading Sweet Chili Truths🌶️
What are your thoughts on the “nice guy” stereotype? Do you believe that being nice is enough to attract a partner, or do you think there are deeper issues at play?
**Disclaimer: The thoughts shared in this article are based solely on my personal experiences and observations.**
Definition of a nice guy:
https://www.powerthesaurus.org/nice_guy/definitions
Thank you for your response. I never thought I’d be writing about relationships—it actually made me laugh when I decided to do it. But I’ve been seeing so many young people feeling deeply frustrated with the state of the world, especially how a girl can no longer say “no” to a “nice guy” without fearing for her safety or facing a smear campaign.
I want to help bridge the gap between men and women because I’m exhausted by these gender wars and surface-level connections. Fear is a terrible foundation for life, and I can’t imagine anything worse than building relationships on it.
I also completely agree with you that the definition of success is unique to each person, even though in the West, our individuality has been at risk for a while now.
Thank you for your raw and honest insights. I appreciate it.
More than a decade ago, as a man, i wanted to know how women do think, so i bought some books. At the end, i arrived to a theory that totally outside of the traditional paradigms. Ironically, it looks like the quantum physics. The summary of it, i found men think like the digital computer where thinking is based on YES (or) NO. Whereas, women think like a quantum computer, based on YES (and) NO. Personally, i was shocked of this finding,and still have not wrapped my head around it. But i can surmise that is where the conlict lies. The conflict can not be resolved, but can be dealt with under certain conditions and terms in both sides.
If the results were ( yes or no) for both , or (yes and no) for both, men and women would live like a pristine river.
So,the issue of Palestine is easy and solveable. But the issue of men and women is not. It is meant to be that way.